


Karappo no mirai ni wa te wo dasanai (I can’t hold out my hand to a hopeless future)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Flashbacks, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 14:23:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15843108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Onii-chan, can you push me on the swing?”“You’re eleven, Chii. You should be old enough to do that on your own.”“Oh, come on! It’s the last time, I swear.”“Fine. Since it’s the last time, I’ll teach you how to do that.”





	Karappo no mirai ni wa te wo dasanai (I can’t hold out my hand to a hopeless future)

 

Chinen was rocking on the swing.

Back and forth, back and forth.

It was a movement which had always soothed him, even though he couldn’t really explain why.

He liked the rhythm, it relaxed him, as if every bad thought disappeared in the air hitting his face faster, in the push he had to give, while he watched everything around him blur.

 

_“Onii-chan, can you push me on the swing?”_

_“You’re eleven, Chii. You should be old enough to do that on your own.”_

_“Oh, come on! It’s the last time, I swear.”_

_“Fine. Since it’s the last time, I’ll teach you how to do that.”_

Chinen remembered that moment perfectly.

He had been knowing Yuya for a few months back then, but something in him had hit him right away.

He had always made fun of Takaki for his childish ways, because it looked like there was too much connection between them despite the three years difference.

And Yuya always accepted the mockery, he always smiled, he never got mad at him, not once.

Yuri liked to think back to those moments.

Whenever they had the afternoon off, when they didn’t have to work or study, Chinen went calling him and asked him to take a walk together.

Takaki had always said yes.

Chinen pulled on his arm and they walked for a while, or they stopped to eat something or, more often, they went to the small park close to the dorms.

The younger wasn’t used to that; when he was child, it was rare for his parents to have time to take him out, so he had gotten used to find something to do inside, never complaining much about it.

Still, he had always had a thing for swings.

He would've stayed there for hours being pushed, listening to Yuya’s laughter every time he heard his excited sounds, looking around as if the world around him was a completely different thing.

He smiled thinking that, at least in that, he hadn't changed much.

He still liked swings, because he had never stopped keeping his eyes on what surrounded him.

When he had learnt to go on his own, he often laid his eyes on Yuya, who used to sit on the swing next to him and slowly swung, scared of the speed and height, which Yuri always mocked him for.

It had been almost eight years before, but Chinen had those memories burned into his mind as if it had happened the day before.

He would've felt like then, maybe; with the only difference that the seat next to him was now empty.

 

_“Chii, please... I’ve known you since you were a kid. I could never...”_

_“But now I'm not a kid anymore, am I Yuuyan? I don’t see what’s wrong with feeling something for you.”_

_“It may be normal to you, but try and understand that it’s not for me, please.”_

_“You know I won’t give up without trying.”_

_“Of course I do.”_

It hadn't been easy.

It hadn't been easy making Yuya forget about when they were younger, when he had been just a kid, when he called him ‘onii-chan’ in an almost naïve way, dreamy.

Yuya had always believed Yuri had had it easier, and the younger had never told him how wrong he was.

He had never told him how much he had mulled it over before telling him he was in love with him, he had never told him of the times he had cried in the moments of deepest discouragement, when he felt about to cave and the only person who wanted there to hold him was the same one who had caused that pain.

But, as promised, he hadn't given up. And in the end, he had gotten what he wanted.

He knew the elder wasn’t wrong saying it was uncomfortable, he knew how weird it felt to have seen him grow up, how guilty it made him feel to be together, to be intimate.

But Yuri had never admitted that.

The first time they had touched, the first time they had kissed, the first time they had slept together... Chinen had always pretended everything was fine, and from that pretence Yuya had gotten his confidence, until he had forgotten of the kid and had focused on the person in front of him, the one he had started loving as well.

Chinen sighed.

He kept rocking on the swing, harder, faster.

When he was a kid, Yuya had once told him that if he would've pushed too hard the swing might’ve made a complete circle around the axis, and he would've fallen.

And Yuri had looked at him all haughty and had dismissed him saying it was impossible.

Thinking about that, he believed Yuya hadn't said that to mock him, but to avoid for him to hurt himself. 

All in all, perhaps he had said that to protect him.

He smiled to that thought, because the elder had _always_ tried to protect him; and he had to give it to him, he had always succeeded doing that.

There had never been something for which he had actually needed him, but every time he had felt down, every time going on seemed to be too hard, every time he was in a bad mood without even knowing why, he sought shelter in Yuya, as if his presence was enough to make everything look better.

He made Yuri happy, and Yuri had never told him that either.

 

_“Chii?”_

_“What?”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I know. You say that a thousand times a day, Yuuyan, I could never doubt.”_

_“It’s true. But I like to say it.”_

_“Well, even though you’re incredibly annoying, I like to hear it.”_

Thinking about it, now that Yuya had left him, hearing those words was all he wished for.

He wanted to hear him say he loved him to the point of it being too much, to the point of it being the only thing in his head.

He wished it hadn't been necessary to cling onto a memory to hear it, but it was all he had.

Memories weren’t going to abandon him, ever.

The memory of Yuya’s voice, of his hands on his skin, of his breathing, of his smell on him.

Every sense perceived him, as if he was there.

And Chinen wanted to believe he was, but he knew he was just deluding himself.

 

_“Yuri... all I care for is for you to be happy.”_

_“You know I can't without you, Yuya.”_

After the accident, Yuya had woken up in the hospital, and Chinen was there with him.

He had been conscious only for a few minutes, and the younger had hated him for that.

He had hated him because he had made him hope.

He had hated him because he had wasted those minutes to tell him something so useless, something he didn’t need.

How could he ask of him to be happy?

The only times he had felt happy in his life had been when he had been there, it had been for the simple things.

He had been happy when Yuya had told him he loved him for the first time.

He had been happy when they had moved in together.

He had been happy every time he came back home and the elder was there waiting.

And he had been happy when, as a kid, on that swing, he turned around and found him there with him.

Now that he was alone, he knew there was no being happy anymore.

He put his feet on the ground, stopping abruptly.

All around him was clear again, and he felt at the end of the line.

He got up slowly, and said goodbye to the swing.

He wasn’t going to go back there, there were too many memories.

As he walked, he felt tears starting to stream down his face, but he was used to that.

Unconsciously, he also said goodbye to Yuya.


End file.
